


Seed

by NCT_ouo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Friendship, Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 07:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12722280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NCT_ouo/pseuds/NCT_ouo
Summary: What's sadder?Losing everything you love or Never having the chance to start?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Actually I am not the original author, I translated this fic from a Chinese Site called Lofter. The original author gave me approval to post it here and I think this fic also deserves more love. If you can read Chinese I suggest you go find this on the original site. 
> 
> @italktothewind/酒浅意深 
> 
> I hope my translation did justice to your fic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts, I will translate them back to the original author <3

A.

It has been 6 years since he passed away.

 

It’s the sixth year on an early summer morning.

 

Taeyong and Sicheng arrived in Osaka separately, one from Seoul, One from Beijing.

 

It’s not his birthday or anything, nor was it the day of his death.It’s just the outcome of their casual exchange on the internet:

“are you going this year?” “Yes, probably.” “when are you more free” 

common stuff like these that brought them together on this clear summer day, to mourn over a friend.

 

Taeyong couldn’t make it last year, he is now pretty famous in the art industry, and last year was an important year. Having to focus all his time on his career, he was busy having galleries all over Europe. But He made sure Sicheng brought extra flowers and apologized for him. Surely his old friend would understand.

 

Sicheng also tries to avoid special days to visit him, Their birthdays are so close together and he couldn’t really get out of those celebrations, whereas he unconsciously make sure he is too busy on the day of his death. He figured it is the thought that counts anyway, he wouldn’t mind as long as he visits every year.

 

 

Taeyong’s flight arrived earlier, he waited for 40 minutes at the VIP lounge for Sicheng, so they can leave together. Catching up on the Tram and it was another hour and a half to get to the city he is born in, and where his soul came to rest.

 

If he knew, After 6 years, there are still people that will make that much effort to see him, Yuta would have been really happy.

 

 B.

Taeyong Sicheng and Yuta were once the famous trio in their Art University at London. China/Korea/Japan, the Asian Trio. In a school full of white kids, who are fluent in English, it was normal that these three formed a bond ever since they met.

 

While it first started with Just Taeyong and Yuta, before “Winwin” joined them.

 

Taeyong first met Yuta on the beginning of freshmen year. One of them majored in Sculptures, the other majored in photography, not exactly overlapping classes. They would not have met so early if not for the fact they were sorted in the same dorm room. The warm-hearted bald dorm moderator went to Taeyong excitedly talking about another Asian student who enrolled today, his “compatriot”. Taeyong’s English skill with meh at the time, and it took him a minute to process, thrilled to realize it means some other Korean student is sharing his room.

 

The hardest part of studying abroad and being so far from home is the unfamiliarity of the whole situation, it is a blessing that his dorm mate is from the same country.

 

As soon as he gets to the room, his roommate is already unpacking, and sensing him at the door, the other figure stopped unpacking and looked back, a friendly bright smile on his face.

 

Encourage by the smile, Taeyong greeted him enthusiastically “ ** **안녕하세요**** ”,

“ ** **ええっ**** ** **\----**** ”, Yuta instinctively replied in Japanese, a look of curiosity and confusion because he didn’t quite catch what his new roommate had said“ ** **何ですか**** ** **?**** ”

 

Realizing it’s Japanese instead of Korean, Taeyong was a bit disappointed.

Maybe in the eyes of the Europeans, all Asian looks like they are from the same country.

 

 

 C.

So the two Asians with the language barrier had to relay on their English skills for everyday communication.

 

With Taeyong’s slight OCD and Yuta who happens to be a bit clumsy/messy, they went through a period of adjusting to each others’ pace of living. It was rough at first but luckily they are both understanding and easy going people, adding to the similar culture background and similar interests, they got close rather quickly. And living in a new environment both of them felt from time to time..“Thank god, I still have him to help me out...”

 

Once they got to know each other better, Taeyong discovered something strange about Yuta, or rather, some contradictions. All the bags and his clothes are branded, some even limited editions, His Camera -- “the pride of all photography majors”, is clearly expensive, and the tuition of the school is also among the highest in Europe.

 

All in all, Yuta does not look like he needs money, or money was ever a big concern, but he is extremely frugal, majority of his meals are home cooked(and his cooking is just at the level of eatable), and even if he goes to the cafeteria during the busy exam weeks he buys the cheapest meals. Within the first week of school, he found a part time job in a Japanese Restaurant, 2 blocks away from the University.

 

Taeyong was not one to gossip(he really is), but he was puzzled by the contrast, he wants to ask but didn’t want to come off as insensitive or hurt Yuta’s pride. But as the two got closer, it was Yuta who brought up his family that made Taeyong realize the story behind all of this.

 

Yuta is from a nice family just as his belongings have suggest, and he is close to both of his parents, but he rebelled against his parents when he chose to follow his dream. With his grades, he could have taken business or engineering, something his father would want for the only son of the family, one day he could inherit the business or start his own. But Yuta had other plans for his life, and he is as stubborn as his father to see it through, so after a long “talk”, his family caved and agreed to let Yuta study abroad, but they will only cover tuition, he will have to handle all living expenses.

 

The Nakamotos thought their son, who never experience the real world, will give up and realize he can’t possible do this without them, but Yuta was determined. Use a whole summer to earn his plan ticket and dorm fee and left without saying good bye.

 

So that’s that... Yuta said with a bitter smile. Now it all makes sense, why Yuta hardly ever calls home. And whenever Taeyong reminds the other to call home more often, he would laugh it off or change the subject.

 

“But your parents did give you the money for tuition, I am sure they would want you to call more often.....” Taeyong is not Taeyong if he didn’t nag, feeling a bit awkward he added, “ Don’t you miss home?”

 

Yuta looked out the window for awhile and answered after a short silence, “No, I don’t, not really.”

 

But later that night, Taeyong saw Yuta scrolling his phone, staring at a picture of his family.

 

 

D.

 

The more he learned about Yuta, the more he realized that he is as stubborn as a rock. His heart is set on never showing his parents he needs their help, never once asked for money from home. Pushing himself to the limit, working three jobs to cover the living expenses, never take a day off even when he is sick.

 

Once, Taeyong offered to fill one of his shift so Yuta can stay home and recover from his fever, and although Yuta is light headed and could use a nap, he refused firmly, covered himself with layer of clothing and left for his work.

 

Before he left, he still smiled at Taeyong, with his extremely nasal voice comforted the elder, “Don’t worry about me, Taeyong-shi” 

 

 

Nakamoto Yuta definitely can not be defeated easily, Taeyong thought to himself.

 

If Most people think Taeyong’s look contradicts of his personality, the“stern” “tough” exterior vs the “soft””fluffy” personality, than Yuta is the opposite. Always smiling and always friendly on the outside, strong and fierce on the inside. Taeyong ponder if Yuta had any weaknesses or soft spots, and .... it seems impossible to find.

 

 

E.

 

Who would have thought Yuta’s soft spot appeared at the start of the second year.

 

Taeyong and Sicheng are both majoring in sculpture design, and under normal circumstances, one would assume they will be closer. But for some reason Yuta got to meet Sicheng a day before Taeyong and things changed from there.

 

Taeyong ignored Yuta when he dramatically described this encounter to be “Destiny”, after a year he is pretty used to Yuta’s ministrations. His over-exaggeration of everything, “THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE BY HUMANS”, “THE MOST DELICIOUS MEAL”. Taeyong learn not to give a crap when Yuta becomes overly dramatic. Just last week, Yuta called his encounter of finding a Japanese snack store--”THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED”.

 

And Taeyong soon got to know Sicheng himself, an adorable person with the cutest smile, he did see how likeable the younger is. Everything he does is cute, even his Chinese-styled English was adorable. But overall, Taeyong just see the latter as a very cute younger brother, not quite sure why Yuta means by he is grateful to the gods that they met.

 

In the first month of their friendship, Taeyong got the front row seats as he watched his buddy- “mountain” man Yuta encounter a complete meltdown. The mountain has collapse, and is now just mud and water, trying to rebuild itself around this new center. This center of course being Sicheng, or winwin, Yuta stops calling him Sicheng as soon as learned his nickname.

 

In the 20 years of Taeyong’s life, he has never seen anyone as gone as Yuta.

 

It’s as if he lets the other control all of his emotions, he is attached to Sicheng’s every move. It’s as if Dong Sicheng was made to mess with Yuta, everything he did Yuta is affected, every movement Yuta finds cute and squeal over.

 

Yuta is like a kite, with Sicheng holding the strings.

 

Beside Sicheng, Yuta can be anything. The mountain is now just a pile of mud, his shape is decided on what Sicheng wants to mold.

 

F.

 

Why Sicheng?

 

During a lazy afternoon, Taeyong being the gossip he is, decided to ask.

 

Yuta was listening to music and sorting his pictures, majority of it being Sicheng.

Taeyong watched him select, fix,deletes picture, and couldn’t help himself when he asked out loud. Maybe Taeyong was a bit jealous, why not him? How did Sicheng became his best friend in less than 2 months, why didn’t Yuta help with his homework, or talked to him about his problems. He thought they had a pretty solid friendship before Sicheng arrived.

 

Yuta paused while looking at him, obviously not prepared for the question, he almost answered in Japanese. He thought Taeyong was upset that he some how replaced him, and didn’t really have an answer to why. He kept pausing and getting panic so eventually Taeyong laughed it off.

 

Yuta didn’t really know why,

 

Because for a lot of things, there were no reasons.

 

 

G.

 

As for the man of the hour, the person that has Yuta in the balm of his hand, Sicheng is also hard to read. Taeyong watched as an outsider, at how Sicheng feels about Yuta.

 

Sicheng is extremely nice to all his friends, being the adorable angel he is, but with Yuta, he is uncertain. Yuta is like a kite,  Sicheng sometimes pulls the string towards him, and sometimes let go when Yuta is being too annoyingly close. Taeyong was never sure if Yuta actually meant as much to Sicheng as Sicheng did to Yuta.

 

But then Yuta died, and it was cleared what he meant to Sicheng. After Yuta’s death, Sicheng took a year off, came back, changed to a completely different course.

 

Sicheng told Taeyong of a Chinese Fable, the two scholars who were each others’ muse, music produced by one can only be understood by the other. And when one of them was gone, the other could never play music again.

 

“There is no point, because the only one that fully understood him is no longer there” Sicheng said when he was explaining the story.

 

After Yuta died, Sicheng never made another sculpture.

 

 

 

H.

When Sicheng applied for the course shift, all of the professor in his department refused. He was a rare talent, they see brilliance in his works, and they can not let a genius slipped pass their fingers. To keep him in the program, different professor had long discussions with him, they used all sorts of methods to persuade him. But the school had no real power to deny his shift, and no matter how sincere the talks went, Sicheng never changed his mind.

 

He shifted, to Study Ancient Artifacts, and started working at the National Museum after graduation. Dealing with broken pieces of ancient pottery and copper all day. It might seem like a boring job, and the pay isn’t a lot, but Sicheng enjoys it non the less. He loves to see the different Artifacts come back to life in his hands.

 

He is technically still building sculptures, He told his friends and family, but he just can’t bring himself to create another sculpture.

 

I.

 

The shift was because of Yuta.

 

Yuta and Sicheng had a connection he can’t explain; no matter what emotions or hidden message he puts in his sculptures, no matter the layer of techniques he use to cover up its original form, no matter how subtle, how minuscule.. Yuta can always decipher it, see right through the disguise. Grasp the essence Sicheng wanted to convey.

 

Whenever Sicheng shows Yuta a new work, the latter’s whole demeanor changes. No longer that smiley, carefree burst of energy, but in turn he become cautious, serious. A meticulous look on his face, never missing a shred of detail. He shows Sicheng the highest respect, artist to artist, see into the work, and saw the art’s soul.

 

 

 

 J.

At first Sicheng attempted to figure out how does the Japanese man understand him so well?

 

“Because,” Yuta said in a sing-song voice and the limited Chinese he knew “I have Winko in my eyes” he points to his eyes as if to show Sicheng proof. Yuta has gorgeous eyes, they are big but not empty, always full of emotions, complimented by equally pretty lashes. The most beautiful eyes in the world in Sicheng’s humble opinion.

 

He added in English “Because I always watch what Winko do, so I can see through you in all forms of disguise”

 

Sicheng made a disgusted look as soon as Yuta finished his sentence, “Yuck...ew...” He shuddered and demanded, no, more like threaten Yuta never talk like this again. Completely forgetting he was the one who asked Yuta in the first place.

 

As for “Winko”, Nakamoto Yuta’s special nickname. No one else called Sicheng that, and no one ever will after Yuta passed away.

Since it’s been so long, Sicheng had come to miss it. But at first, he detested the name, it sounded like a name for an innocent clueless girl, the vowels are too soft, like melting candy on the tip of you tongue, too mushy, Especially when Yuta use it, it sounds too dripped in honey, and Sicheng hated it with a passion.

 

 

But that didn’t stop Yuta-kun, every time he called Sicheng by that name he also adds a compliment. Ex. “Winko, you are like .....a wonderful song.” Which usually result in a very pissed Sicheng who bans Yuta from entering his studio.

 

 K.

Yuta used a lot of weird lines on Sicheng. Weird Japanese Poem lines. He used them for captions when he takes pictures of Winko

 

He said Sicheng was like a stream of pristine water into the mysterious forest under the fog, the reflecting light on the winter snow during the early hours of sunrise, the spirited fox on the grass land rarely spotted by humans.

 

Sicheng judge him hard whenever the supposed “Real” Man of Osaka use these comparisons to “compliment” him. It sounds like he is just adding a punch of adjectives together trying to form something poetic, regardless how much the object of his poem protests he might add.

 

But sometimes, Sicheng did wonder though how he would describe Yuta?

 

Maybe, Yuta is like one of those sweet dreams you have but wakes up way too soon, or the last firework during the whole show, or the feeling whenever he sets foot in his childhood home.

 

Memory is a tricky thing, it fades out a lot of the details, and only leaves you with the after taste, the sweet linger woven into the past.

 

 

 L.

But some memories, Sicheng can’t quite forget.

 

It was the second half of their Junior year and Yuta won an International Award with one of his final projects. Although the award wasn’t that renown, it was still international and had its value. The university even made a fuss about it.

 

However, The muse of the work is not Sicheng. It’s a classmate of Yuta. A girl with red hair and freckles, balky glasses and braces. She was rather quiet and had the “nerd” stereotype written all over. But under Yuta’s Camera, she glowed and bloomed, as if she was someone else.

 

It was an excellent work, Sicheng had to admit that. Yuta captured another side of the girl, the moment where it was most candid, her potential and her core exposed through her movements, a photograph of the soul.

 

Yuta saw her beauty.

 

Sicheng can’t help but mumble to himself as he sees crowds of people congratulating Yuta, “So I guess you have a lot of people in your eyes, Yuta-kun” And not only did he mumble to himself, he also told Yuta bitterly when they were finally alone. He wanted it to come of as a joke, but ended up sounding Jealous with a sarcastic tone, making Yuta laugh.

 

Yuta’s classmates decided to throw a party to celebrate, which Sicheng excused himself from attending claiming a throbbing headache.

 

His roommate recently got a new girlfriend and hasn’t been back in their dorm for some time. So Sicheng was alone in his room, trying to figure out why that picture affected him so much. After long period of twisting and turning, there were a loud knock on the door. He opened it thinking it was his roommate who probably forgot the key, but in the doorway was a very wasted Nakamoto Yuta.

 

Sicheng felt a sense of unwarranted pride, "so what if I'm not part of the picture or him winning, the kite still flies back to me even when the kite can’t walk straight.

 

Honestly he couldn’t and never figured out how Yuta got to his dorm that night, he was almost going to pass out on his door step, reeked of booze. He even attempted to talk to Sicheng, but threw up as soon as he did. Sicheng watched on as a real headache starts to sunk in. At least this mess had the brains not to go back to his dorm, if he puked all over Taeyong’s bed or Taeyong.... God only knows what the neat freak will do.

 

Sicheng sighed as he realized he is now the mom friend, he picked up the broken pieces that is drunk Yuta. Forced him to wash up, and rolled him on his roommate’s bed while he clean up the mess on his door way. It was the first time their roles are reversed, Yuta being the baby that he is taking care of and not the other way around. Just as when Sicheng finally settles Yuta in the bed and decide to call it a night, Yuta grabbed on to his wrist.

 

“No one else” Yuta said out of no where.

 

 

M.

“Not only in my eyes.”

 

“Also in my heart” 


	2. Chapter 2

N.

 

That was not the last memory Yuta and Sicheng shared, but it replayed in Sicheng’s mind more often than he is willing to admit. He often think of that night when he think of Yuta.

 

Memory is like a well edited video, using the third person’s perspective and seems recorded; Yuta’s blush due to the alcohol, his pretty eyes shinning when speaking to his Winko, the warmth of his breath and body temperature, the smell of the alcohol mixed with Yuta’s perfume, all those details blend into one, craved into Sicheng’s brain.

 

However, it is still edited,the owner of the memory added filters, cut out the unpleasant parts, and highlighted some other parts. In reality, Sicheng almost suffocated Yuta with a pillow over his head as soon as he said those words. And after a drunk and oxygen deprived Yuta fell asleep from the haze, Sicheng had to take his roommate’s bed. Twisting and turning, he told himself Nakamotoyuta is an idiot and his stupid words don’t mean shit.

 

Sicheng couldn’t fall asleep that night.

 

Meanwhile the hammered Nakamoto Yuta couldn’t remember anything from his drunk and confused night the next morning. That pissed off Sicheng completely and the he ignored Yuta for the next 2 weeks until the end of the term.

 

“ I didn’t even get mad at him for letting me clean?? And like ask me what the fuck is his problem” Sicheng complained to Taeyong, “How dare he, telling me he can’t remember how he got to my dorm??”

 

 

O.

Due to that drunken night, Sicheng had a pretty interesting summer vacation.

 

He spent it over thinking, every signal word, Yuta said.

 

He locked himself in his room when he got home, didn’t want to go out unless it’s for food. It made Mr&Mrs.Dong worry if taking art is making their youngest child unhappy, they could never guess that he is just trying to figure out whether his Japanese best friend is just a ..friend.

 

After two months of debates, more over thinking, The new semester was approaching. Sicheng was excited, he bought tickets 2 days advanced of Yuta. Going to Great Britain with a different mindset.

 

He decided, after 2 months of over thinking, he is going to tell Yuta,

 

He is also in his heart. Hehe

 

P. 

Sicheng decided to decorate his dorm a bit, a romantic confession? At least he thinks it’s a confession. It’s not like he is going to get rejected though. Sicheng knows he has Yuta in his palms, a no was never even an option.

 

Everything was ready, he just have to wait for Yuta to come home. And the past 2 and half year of push and pull could blossom to, well he is not quite sure what.

 

But no one would have guessed, the story took a twist .

 

The plane that took Yuta from Britain, didn’t bring him back to Britain.

 

It decided to stop half way.

 

In a horrible accident, a whole plane of people, Passengers and Staff, all gone.

 

Taeyong was the person who told Sicheng the news. Sobbing hard, Taeyong explain to Sicheng they found the black box, the plane crashed somewhere during mid-night. Most of the passenger should be asleep at the time. And according to Yuta’s family, compare to the other victims, his body was well preserved, and the fatal wounds weren’t on his head, Yuta looked peaceful.

 

Thank god, At least He didn’t suffer...

 

After hearing that word from Taeyong’s mouth, Sicheng lost it. He pulled Taeyong by the collar and shouted, take back that word, take back everything. His Yuta died at 22, gone, no longer breathing, never will speak another word. Became cold and lifeless over night.  How the fuck, is that not suffering? What fucked up standard is that? What God would ever do that?

 

Whenever Sicheng think back to his melt down, sobbing and shouting at Taeyong, he feels a bit regretful and apologetic. He was too young, he wasn’t thinking through a lot of things.

 

Now that he thought about it, if Yuta, who’s smile could light up the whole room, died without feeling any pain, if he did pass away in a sweet dream. Than he would thank the heavens for that. Indeed, thank god, knowing he didn’t suffer, is something to be grateful for.

 Q.

They both took leave from school, Taeyong and Sicheng spent 10+ hours on a plane to attend Yuta’s funeral. It was the first time either of them step foot on Japan. Yuta’s “通夜” ended the day before, and he is already in his coffin, ready to go.

 

Yuta’s relationship with his family improved in his second and third year of school. Family is still family. Although Yuta still didn’t get any money from them, they talk more frequently. And his family has heard a lot about Taeyong and Sicheng, the two” bestest” friends. So even if they never met,there were no sense of awkwardness. After the simple rituals, Yuta’s sister brought them to their seats. They were the few people there, aside from Yuta’s childhood friends, that were present as a non-relative.

 

As the ceremony starts, the monk started his rituals guiding the soul to the after life. A lot of people started to sob. A framed picture of Yuta was there, in black and white. He was smiling brightly in the picture. That healing smile of his couldn’t heal anyone’s pain today.

 

Sicheng didn’t cry. Although Taeyong claim he did. Did he? He really can’t remember. He was in a daze for the first couple of weeks, seeing everything through a thick fog, even when he was saying good bye to Yuta’s body, he couldn’t really see anything clearly.

 

Those who loved Yuta saw him for the last time, in his coffin.

 

As the open the casket, Taeyong burst into tears, he was holding back the whole time during the ceremony. And as his friend sob beside him, Sicheng kept staring at Yuta.

 

He does look peaceful, like he is asleep.

 

R.

 

Back to present day,

 

Sicheng and Taeyong just bought the candles and flowers, stepping through the temple doors.  

 

The temple is called “安通”. Peace of souls. It is the place where Yuta’s ancestors lay, and where Yuta’ soul came to rest. The family home is not far from the temple, so they can visit often.

 

Temple isn’t very big, the mahogany doors are simple and sullen, it was not made for daily use, on regular days, visitors used the iron doors on the side. After you enter, there is a stone path that leads you to the front yard. The buildings are old, historical and even under the summer heat, the whole place feel cool and peaceful. All in all, a place with great “fenshui”

 

They visited the monk that runs the establishment, the same one that hosted the ceremony during Yuta’s funeral. The elderly monk have gotten used to the two visitors that come every year. In the first few years, He communicated with them in Broken English, but Sicheng has been studying Japanese ever since Yuta’s death, he has gotten good enough to be Taeyong’s translator.

 

They borrowed water jug and some other stuff that were needed. They borrow them from the temple every time. Not wanting to buy every time they visit. Yuta would not have approve.

 

Before going to the grave, Taeyong stopped Sicheng in front of the temple and gave a small donation. Then closed his eyes and made a wish.

 

It was a custom that Sicheng followed the first time around, but then he decided it was pointless and stopped. Taeyong does it every visit, he believes if his wish will come true with persistence.

 

Sicheng mocks Taeyong, A Korean man making a donation in a Japanese temple every year, how is that persistence. And Taeyong retaliates saying Sicheng is too cheap,  for not even spending 500 yen for a wish.

 

“ I want world peace” Sicheng said while holding the flowers, “Could that happen?”

 

If the wish could come true, he will throw the coin too

 

Signaling defeat, Taeyong didn’t reply and just shook his head

 

S

Sicheng does not really want world peace, well at least the last one he made wasn’t

 

When he just graduated, he went on a Europe trip with a couple of best friends. A blow out before the adult life, before having to look for jobs and plan important things.

 

Their first stop was Italy, a bunch art students soaking in the beauty of this ancient city. On their morning trip they passed by the world renown wishing well in Italy. All of Sicheng’s friends stopped and threw a coin, made a wish like any tourist, and they tried to persuade Sicheng to do the same. But he refused firmly. That same evening, when they were returning from a night out, they passed by the place again, and no one knew what happened, but Sicheng suddenly lost it. He ran to the wishing well, opened his wallet and started throwing all of his money, coins&paper bills, he was throwing all of his belongings into the wishing well like a mad man. If his friends didn’t stop him, Sicheng would have threw his phone and passport too.

 

The next day, Sicheng woke up with a hang over, and forgot every last detail. At first he thought his friends were messing with him just because he was drunk last night.  So he denied that he could ever do something that stupid.

 

But, his friends had everything on record. Videos of him shouting and acting like an idiot made it impossible for him to rebut. Sicheng watched the video in silence, speechless.

 

In the video he was literally throwing away everything he owns. While crying and shouting something inaudible, “------@#$%$$@#$%!#$--”

 

His voice were loud, louder than he normally shouts. But his words slurred from the effects of the booz, and the video was filled with background noise of his friends laughing their ass off. He had a hard time figuring out what he was shouting.

 

The wishing well had a lot of tourist at night, and his crying was drawing a lot of attention. Eventually his friends had to drag him back to the hotel despite his protests.

 

He figured out what he wished for, and he is not surprised it didn’t come true. Firstly, he was sobbing too hard that day, it will be too difficult for whatever fairy or genie to understand, and Second of all, even if he was sober, he is pretty sure the Italian genies don’t carry Chinese Translators.

 

And finally, well, what he wished for was something impossible.

 

So Sicheng never made another wish, what’s the point? The only thing he wish for is never going to happen.

 

What’s the point?

 

T

They weren’t the only family visiting the graves that day.

 

Taeyong and Sicheng passed up a path way of different tomb stones and noticed a lady in full black kneel in front a newly build tomb. Basing from her figure, she was obviously pregnant. The two passed by quickly, not wanting to find out the relationship between her and the one she is visiting.

 

Taeyong’s phone rang suddenly ,when the two just started the routine ritual and begun talking to Yuta. Taeyong looked at the caller ID with exasperation and annoyance, waving it to Sicheng he walked away to take the call.

 

It was probably work, Sicheng thought as he looked at his old friend with a worried expression. Deciding to start the routine without him.

 

He used clean water and poured it gently over the tomb, and used a soft towel drying it carefully. The Japanese believed the tomb stone is an extension of the body, and must treat it with respect by cleansing it and caring for it. Sicheng thought it was ridiculous, a stone plate is a stone plate, marble is marble, how is it in anyway like the person resting under it?

 

But Actions speaks louder than words, Even though he thinks it’s ridiculous, he still cleans it such a genteelness every time.

 

It’s been 6 years, he has got a lot of practice.

 

The first year of his passing, Sicheng went back to London with Taeyong, took a term of leave and went back to China.

 

The second and third time he came to visit, he stayed in Osaka afterwards, visiting Japan for a couple of days.  He went to the Osaka caste, sitting in the park while enjoying the view. He went to eat the famous local takoyaki, Yuta always bragged he can make the best. Better than any store they would find. He and Taeyong never believed him because the only thing Yuta showed he can cook was eggs, well, now they would never know for sure.

 

On the fourth year, he went around Japan. Hokkaido, Nagoya, Yakushima. Yakushima is the home to The original forest in “Princese Mononoke”, and he remembered how upset Yuta was when he watched the anime without him.

 

On the fifth year he went on top of Mount Hakodate, and experienced the “million dollar night view”. It was beautiful, but freezing cold. Watching the night sky by himself, seeing all lights shine through the city skyline but knowing none of the lights were waiting for him, made the night chiller than ever.

 

All of these places, were Yuta’s suggestions. The places he have been to, or want to go to with Sicheng. Back then, Yuta would get so excited when he plan about the trips, having a note book with all the places the should visited. Noting down the important ones that he has to show Sicheng, and he lamely name the whole thing Yuta tour.

 

Whenever he think back, he remembers Yuta. Bursting with happiness, excited about the potential trips. Looking like a kid that has been granted a field trip. And in the end, he bailed on Sicheng. Leaving the note book with him, trips he would have to alone.

 

“对不起咯”Sicheng apologizes playfully

 

U

His apology was insincere, as if Yuta would even get upset at him and ever blame him.   

 

Tomorrow, Sicheng decides to explore Kadoma, the city Yuta is born in a bit more. He heard there is museum near by, and a near by temple with a thousand year old tree, tourist spots he could visit. These past few years he never got the chance to look around, leaves immediately after mourning. Too afraid, he is terrified he would walk around in these old streets, turning on a corner and bump into Yuta. The Nakamoto Yuta before he met Sicheng.

 

Sicheng cast down his eyes, and focused his gaze on the Tomb stone.

 

Sorry, Yuta

 

I still left you behind.

 

Left Yuta behind, and became a 25 year old. Been to all those places that Yuta has never been to. Met all kinds of people Yuta never will meet, made too much important memories without Yuta being in any of them.

 

And it will only get worse from here, Sicheng will sneakily age without Yuta. The wheel of time tumbles forward, never stopping for anyone. The living experiences an ever changing day to day life. While Yuta’s life would forever be paused at 22. He is the only one left behind.

 

Sicheng is 25 now, and in a couple of years. His parents will start worrying over his marriage and having kids. And Sicheng is hopeful he will meet the right person, and fall in love with her, and attempt at a forever.

 

But, when his future kids grows up. He would frankly announce to him/her, their father loved two people in his whole life, the second one being their mother.

 

The first, was a Japanese with the most stunning smile. The bright light that warms up everyone’s heart. Resting in peace in a quiet temple in Kadoma City, Osaka. Surrounded by the mountains.

 

At 22 years of age. Forever Young.

 

Actually, Sicheng and Yuta played with one of those fortune telling apps months before the accident. They would bored and saw a site on facebook that predicts future events, The Chinese Zodiac website told them something quite different.

 

Will enjoy a long healthy life until the age of 82, passing away peacefully under the warm spring light.

 

“Should have known those Zodiac non-senses were complete trash...” Sicheng think back to the result.

 

Back than Yuta smiled at the result and pointed out how poetic it is to pass away “under spring light”

 

Who knew God took him 9 months later? What 82..It was another five years and 7 months before he make it to 28.

 

Sicheng reached out and touch the tomb, hand grazing on the small picture with the world’s most beautiful smile.

 

Should I ask Yuta to talk to the Japanese Gods, tell him we can round up the numbers?

 

If 82 is too much, he can settle for 70.

 

V

After he cleanse the Tomb stone, he bent down and started cleaning the grass around it.

 

As he pulled the grass, he randomly complained, “Yuta, you said before I was in your heart, how come it’s been 6 years and how come I don’t see a Winko plant anywhere.”

 

Oh right, Yuta was cremated, maybe the seed didn’t survive the flames.

 

He paused and looked at the tomb stone, engraved in the stone plate, 中本悠太

 

What does losing Yuta means to Sicheng ? He only found the answer to the question on the 4th year.

 

Losing Yuta is like Losing a Mirror.

 

A mirror applies to anything that provide reflections, anything that you look into to find yourself.

He didn’t need to pretend to be someone else, and he couldn’t pretend to be someone else. He is what he is, the mirror reflects his beauty and flaws all the same.

 

Without the mirror, he gets a bit lost. He feels like he couldn’t see himself. At most he gets a sense of self from others’ words but he is never quite sure of people’s words. Do they really mean what they said? Or were they merely being polite and trying to be sociable. He doesn’t trust most people, so it’s even harder to determine what percent of their words are accurate.

 

The only thing he trust 100 percent, the mirror he shows all of his sides to. Has been shattered into pieces and left him forever.

 

He thought about getting a new mirror to replace him, but he is afraid the new mirror will also break,

 

And even if he found one, it will not be the same. It won’t have the same smile that lights up his heart, it won’t have the eyes that is filled with emotions, and it won’t ever sweetly call him Winko.

 

What it is the use of that?

 

W

Mirrors are not a necessity for life.

 

Without a mirror, he can still see, smell, sense the world around him. Beautiful things remain beautiful, delicious food tastes just as wonderful. It doesn’t affect the person in anyway.

 

Yuta leaving, didn’t take away Sicheng’s happiness. The past few years, he still laugh the same when he sees a hilarious Youtube video, still joke around with people around him, still enjoys himself whenever he goes out to party.

 

He thought losing someone precious means losing himself, all those dramatic lines of I can’t possibly live without you. But life went on smoothly, the 19 year old is now a fine man at 25 years of age. More knowledgeable, more mature.

 

If Yuta was here now, he have to call Sicheng, Hyung....

 

Sicheng hates that he is cold blooded, not emotional enought, he knows if the position was reversed. And he was the one that passed away, Yuta would be devastated. Probably 100x more upset than he ever was. Whenever he think about that, the amount of grief Yuta would have felt, he can’t forgive himself for moving on so fast..... Yuta gave more than he ever could.

 

In the next life, maybe... Sicheng’s eyes waters, he let out a long sigh, muttering in front of Yuta’s grave. “Chinese elders always spoke of the next life, and the circle of life. The debt I owe you in this life, will bond us together in the next.”

 

In my next life, I would repay Yuta, 20 times, no, 40 times over.

 

Next time, He will be the Kite at the end of the strings.

 

X

When he returned from his call, Taeyong bumped into Sicheng crying.

 

It is such a usual sight in a cemetery, even if the person grieving was a handsome young man, so he didn’t draw a lot of attention. Sicheng’s tears fell silently, in front of Yuta’s grave.

 

As soon as Sicheng sees him, he panics” Taeyong hyung...” Turning away his head, wiping his tears. Oh fuck, Taeyong actually saw him cry this time, he will definitely think I always cry when I come here.

 

Seeing Sicheng becoming defensive, Taeyong paused, hesitated before saying,

 

“Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep.”

 

Sicheng didn’t move, but he turned to Taeyong after a pause. Smiling a bit and he teased: " Taeyong hyung is getting old, did you forgot that you already told me this poem the day of Yuta’s funeral?"

 

Taeyong tried to think back, and it seems like he did use the same poem to comfort the younger. He laughed, “ I am getting old, Yuta called me an old man when we still in college, and after the past few years of work, I feel like I am an Old man”

 

And he looked at Sicheng and thought to himself, Yuta would have been proud of How mature Sicheng is now.

 

Y

Taeyong’s manger informed him that he has a last minute meeting, a gallery offered him a long term partnership, and wants to discuss it with him asap. A plane ticket is already booked, and he have to leave immediately.

 

With how busy Taeyong is, he would probably visit Yuta alone next year. Sicheng thought as he watch Taeyong scheduling his events on his phone.

 

As he sent his old friend on a taxi, a thought just came to Sicheng.

 

Nothing related Taeyong, actually, it was the most random thought.

 

Sicheng wants to be buried, when the day comes for him. He will make sure he puts that in the will. He does not want to be cremated. He wants his kids and grandkids to find a way to let him rest in one piece. He doesn’t care how, they will have to get it done.  

 

Z

 

Because, He will want to see,

 

 if he can grow a Nakamoto Yuta.


End file.
